The Potty Deal, part 1

On Monday morning, Elizabeth (the ABA therapist) started The Potty Deal. No diaper, and that was going to be the case for the whole day. She thought (and also the supervisor, Michelle) that from now on, Noah would wear diapers only at night. There was a reward system in place and stickers and charts and bribes prepared. Bribes included candy, promises of activities, toys we know he liked and wanted to play with, toys we thought he would want to play with. Sitting on the potty for a second - this was the first step. That, done 5 times, would earn him a sticker and with a certain number of stickers, he would get something bigger. And then they would move to sitting for 5 seconds to earn a token. And slowly the rewards would only come with extended time on the potty. Bla bla bla, that was the plan.

What happened instead was very different. Bribes, no matter what they were (tangible things or sweets or promises) were not worth it to him to sit on the potty. Just as he refuses to ask nicely for things or say please, he would rather give up on the object of desire. The kid is stubborn. And defiant. "He has issues with compliance," is what the therapist said.

So the potties (we have two plastic ones) were refused. Adult toilet - refused. Towels everywhere, and when he'd start to pee, we'd either aim him or pull a towel over really quick. The floors (all over the house) got cleaned multiple times, and it may be the cleanest our floors have ever been. We rolled up all the rugs and put them away. We used so many towels that when we wanted to take a shower, we were left with dishtowels.

Aviva was with a sitter, so I could give all my attention to Noah. And he required a lot. We gave a lot of liquids, and made them more exciting with different kinds of juices, some homemade lemonade, and smoothies. Whenever Noah had to pee, it would be unexpected (to us) and not be preceded by any warning of any kind. There was also an increasing amount of misbehavior, that was completely unexpected. He would be drinking some juice in a cup and suddenly throw it. He pushed an unopened watermelon off the table, and it broke in half. He threw a baking tray off the porch, onto the sidewalk below. I guess these things were happening because he was upset, and he didn't know how else to deal with it. But this meant that I was focussing on him 100% for the entire day. If I turned around, or tried to check email, he could possibly pee or throw something. A few times I didn't see him pee when he did, and I'd notice the puddle later. So I had to be totally attentive and aware.  I was focussing on him, but also trying to keep him relatively happy, so he wouldn't act out, and I felt like it was hard enough for him with this potty thing, that I would be more lenient and flexible with other things. So I was trying to keep him happy and entertained. Not bored. He'd act out if he was bored. I was picking the potty thing to be the battle I was fighting.

Elizabeth the therapist came every day from 9:00-11:30. We were both busy and involved with The Project the entire time, and then she would leave. Then it was all me. And Josh. By the end of the day I was Exhausted with a capital E. This is what we did Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. We weren't getting anywhere, and sadly moving backward, so we quit. Friday he started wearing diapers again.

The four days were mostly spent in the house, but we also were in the front yard and backyard, and the playground nearby. He would wear a shirt and socks and shoes. And sunscreen.

There were times when Noah was compliant; he liked it when we had systems to focus on.

One day were made a road made of books. The road was on the coffee table and the couch and ottoman. There were bridges (also made of books) and his little train was connected to his moonbus (that's what we call it, but I don't really know what it is). The moonbus/train could cross the bridges, but there was a toll that had to be paid. I was the toll collector. It cost one token to cross one bridge, and two tokens to cross the other one. If he didn't pay the toll, he'd get an expensive ticket. So he had to pay the tolls. But the way to EARN tokens was to sit on the potty. One second on the potty would give him one token. Sitting down by himself (without my help) and getting up by himself - these would earn him one more. So it's possible to get three tokens by sitting on the potty for a second.

There was a toll increase, so then Noah needed more tokens. And if he wanted to drive the tractor instead of the moonbus/train, that would cost an extra token. If he wanted to drive the tractor on the bridges or just "around town," it would cost more. Then he asked if he could run around town without paying. No moonbus/train or tractor. Could he just run around?

Then something changed, I don't know what, but he refused to sit on the potty. But the "pretend potty" was okay. That meant a towel covered the potty. So tokens earned by sitting on the pretend potty and more tokens if it was the real potty. We tried to make a deal of tokens buying other things like cookies (that we baked together) or a lemon bar from the coffee shop down the street. Nope.

So that was a good hour and a half. We also did things like playing hopscotch in the front yard with sidewalk chalk and making little obstacle courses with sidewalk chalk. We would read books while sitting on the potty sometimes, (he's sitting, I'm reading) and he could choose a long book or a short book. We did a lot of reading.

I was letting go of other things, sort of because I wanted to keep him happy and also because I could see he was having a hard time. So spilling things on purpose, picking him us when he asked, eating in the living room, watching youtube videos. A lot of things that would result in a time-out - all overlooked. He was asking for things with single word grunts. "Milk." If he didn't get it (and he wouldn't with a demand like that) he would keep repeating the word until we moved his hand so he's saying "please" in sign language. He did not want to say "Can I have milk?" or "I'd like some milk," but would just do the one-word demands.

He wanted to be a baby and would tell us repeatedly that he can't do this or that, because he's a baby.
He did NOT like to be congratulated or told he's a big boy. He kept saying he wanted to wear diapers until he's a grownup. He listened to the logic about diapers not big enough, or no changing tables in schools, and teachers not knowing how to change or wanting to change kids. He understood, but didn't like it and kept thinking of ways around these problems.

So we did it Monday, Tuesday (which was a little harder and more tantrum-filled) and Wednesday (ditto) and Thursday. Wednesday night we decided that unless Thursday was a lot better, we'd call it quits and let him wear a diaper again on Friday. Thursday was NOT better, so Friday was back to diapers for the boy.